Second in Command

(2006, US/Romania, Motion Picture Corporation of America/Castel Film Romania/Clubdeal)

Dir. Simon Fellows; Pro. Brad Krevoy, Donald Kushner, Pierre Spengler; Scr. Jonathan Bowers, David L. Corley, Jayson Rothwell; Action Dir. Ben Schwagrowski; Cast Jean-Claude Van Damme, Julie Cox, Alan McKenna, William Tapley, Razaaq Adoti.

92 min.

One of Van Damme‘s straight to video shit storms, this one plays like an episode of 24 and looks like one too. He’s an ex-Navy SEAL military attache (nicknamed Bodycount) sent to Moldavia to protect the President from a revolutionary militia who attack the US embassy lobbing rocket propelled grenades through the windows. With the embassy on lock down, Van Damme must protect the Moldavian head of state from constant assassination attempts, coordinate the rescue of the hostages, tackle conflicting orders from commanding officers and the Secretary of State, take down the terrorists and protect his reporter girlfriend. He even squeezes a few high kicks into the film as part of a box-ticking exercise to provide the sort of routine references his fans expect. The kindest thing to say about the film is that it never gets too boring.

The Shepherd: Border Patrol

(2008, US, Sony Pictures/Stage 6 Films)

Dir. Isaac Florentine; Pro. Moshe Diamant, Gilbert Dumontet; Scr. Joe Gayton, Cade Courtley; Action Dir. J.J. Perry; Cast Jean-Claude Van Damme, Stephen Lord, Natalie J. Robb, Gary McDonald, Daniel Perrone.

95 min.

Now here’s a pretty terrible title for a Van Damme film. He stalks this one with the resigned look of a guy who has already made this movie a dozen times before. The cheap, straight to video feel makes it seem like the filmmakers haven’t watched a film for at least 15 years. Luckily Van Damme made JCVD after this, causing a career renaissance which would have seemed all but impossible at this stage in his career.

He plays a despondent New Orleans cop who joins the New Mexico border patrol to take on the drug cartels, with a ball-busting sergeant and a pet rabbit for company. The main culprits are a disillusioned troop of army-trained US mercenaries who use their Afghan contacts to control the shipment of heroin into the country. They’re bomb nuts and have experience dealing with jihadists, but you’ll find more political clout on a cereal box than you will here.

Undisputed II director Florentine sparks life into the fight scenes with great attention to stunt work and flashy kicks, particularly from Scott Adkins, whose anticipated fight with Van Damme at the end is the only excitement in a rather tired final act.

Olympus Has Fallen

(2013, US, Millennium Films/Nu Image Films/West Coast Film Partners)

Dir. Antoine Fuqua; Pro. Gerard Butler, Ed Cathell II, Mark Gill, Alan Siegel; Scr. Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt; Action Dir. J.J. Perry; Cast Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Finley Jacobsen, Dylan McDermott, Rick Yune, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett, Melissa Leo.

120 min.

A North Korean contingent of rogue, highly militarised terrorists smash fighter jets into the Washington Monument and storm the White House, trapping the President (Eckhart) and most of his senior staff in the underground bunker to issue their demands. Led by young sadist Krang (Yune) – who for a hater of the west has an impeccable grasp of the English language – the terrorists demand interim Pres’ Morgan Freeman to remove US troops from the Korean demilitarised zone and threaten to detonate American nukes across the country.

So with the world going to shit, thank our lucky stars that ex-Secret Service one man army Mike Banning (Butler) managed to sneak into the hallowed halls, opening a communication line with the outside world (like in Die Hard), securing firearms to stylishly pick off some bad guys (like in Die Hard), and rescue the hostages (like in Die Hard). He’s even negotiating a tricky romance and hiding from a tarnished past. Like in Die Hard.

“He will move mountains or die trying,” says the head of the Secret Service, and even though Banning doesn’t actually move a mountain, by the end of this movie you would think it’s the sort of thing he does for breakfast. Absolutely nothing stops him, and the gratuitous crashes, bangs and wallops are all a foregone conclusion. Also, the film’s jingoism is nauseating and there’s not a single original idea in it. It is also full of its own self-importance despite being utterly disposable.

Fighting Mad

(1978, US, Cosa Nueva)

Dir. Cirio H. Santiago; Pro. Robert E. Waters; Scr. Howard R. Cohen; Cast James Inglehart, Carmen Argenziano, Leon Isaac Kennedy, Jayne Kennedy.

90 min.

A strange amalgamation of blaxploitation, Italian mafia and Japanese Samurai films. The best scenes in this predictable but amiable B movie are when sensitive Mr. T type Leon Isaac chops up coconuts on a desert island with two stranded Japanese World War II vets who still believe the war is going on. Isaac fills them in on the past three decades of history in exchange for some sword fighting lessons. He uses his new skills to exact revenge on his double crossing friends who now own most of downtown Los Angeles. When the US army reach the desert island, Isaac is taken home but his Japanese counterparts continue to fight back. “The war is over,” he reminds them. “Not for me,” they reply.

AKA: Dragon Force

The Expendables

(2010, US, Nu Image/Millennium Films)

Dir. Sylvester Stallone; Pro. Avi Lerner, Kevin King Templeton, John Thompson; Scr. David Callaham, Sylvester Stallone; Action Dir. Corey Yuen Kwai; Cast Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li Lian-jie, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Gary Daniels, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

103 min.

Sly Stallone’s geriatric action movie rennaissance works solely because of its overwhelming sense of irony. With so much testosterone squeezed into one picture it couldn’t have been any other way.

But this is far from a spoof on the 80s American action movie.

Stallone has made a heartfelt re-imagining of a dated genre, using Americans as the villains and with only the slightest hint of misogyny (that might have something to do with the fact there are only two women in the movie, both of which are somehow in need of rescuing).

The main emphasis is on bettering the death counts of both Commando and First Blood combined and giving cult, fan boy heroes their due respects.

Rumour has it Stallone contacted both Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal to appear, along with many others, but both declined.

There is barely enough time to dwell on such possibilities before the screen is littered by a sublime ensembleb of aging B-movie icons, the best of which (Dolph Lundgren) can barely talk. But there is also gracious involvement from Mickey Rourke, Gary Daniels and Steve Austin.

When Arnie and Bruce Willis appear in a fantastic cameo near the start, the roof is raised and it’s pretty much game on from there.

Jet Li, Jason Statham and Stallone are the film’s main focus, heading up a buddy unit of espionage experts (yeah, right) who are covertly hired by the CIA to take down a former agent (Eric Roberts) who has orchestrated a military coup in Latin America, kidnapping the general’s daughter and swooping in on the region’s illegal drugs trade.

But, basically, what we have are good guys, bad guys, stock dialogue, crass one-liners (example: “Next time, I’ll deflate all your balls”) and consistent bloody carnage, just the way it used to be.

The best geek-out moments involve the kung fu chops of Li, Statham and Daniels near the movie’s end, which forms the basis of an awesome brawling sequence where the cast are placed firmly in their comfort zones.

Only the personalities secure a rather ordinary film’s credibility, making it a heap of nonsensical fun.

Ninja Phantom Heroes

(1987, HK, Filmark)

Dir. Godfrey Ho Chi-keung; Pro. Godfrey Ho Chi-keung; Scr. Duncean Bauer; Action Dir. Tony Kong; Cast Jeff Houston, John Wilford, Christine Wells, Glen Carson, Johnny Wang Lung-wei, Ho Pak-kwong.

77 min.

Another patchwork hatchet job from Hong Kong cinema’s king of commerce Godfrey Ho, manufactured from old film stock and reedited into something resembling a dog’s dinner. Ho produced many films like this purely for financial gain during the golden age of overseas video distribution, using gweilo actors in practically redundant roles to dress up as colourful ninja and fill up the running time. Ho would duplicate footage in more than one film, re-dubbing and repackaging cheap titles for a kung fu hungry crowd. Using this technique, Ho could pump out as many as 15 movies a year, covering his tracks by using pseudonyms and alternative titles which make categorising his expansive back catalogue a particularly grueling task.

The films suck, almost without exception, but Ho would be the first to admit his string of 80s ninja films were mere cash cows than thought pieces. This one follows the Ho formula to a tee, with Jeff Houston playing a US paramilitary agent sent undercover to Hong Kong to investigate a ninja school smuggling arms to the middle east. Then the film jumps to some different HK footage where an underdog fighter takes on the might of a Chinese triad gang. Wang Lung-wei crops up here as a hitman, unbeknownst to him, of course, as essentially all of the actors are performing in a separate film.

Ho’s action films gathered cult appeal over the years for being complete nonsense, but this one really makes no attempt to add up in any logical sense and is a tedious, tiring watch.

AKA: Ninja Empire; Ninja Knight: Thunder Fox

Universal Solider: The Return

(1999, US, Long Road Productions)

Dir. Mic Rodgers; Pro. Craig Baumgarten, Allen Shapiro, Jean-Claude Van Damme; Scr. William Malone, John Fasano; Action Dir. Peter Malota; Cast Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley, Bill Goldberg.

82 min.

Van Damme revisits the scene of his most popular picture in a last chance attempt to rekindle the same magic. This would prove to be his last theatrical release for a number of years, and the result is disappointing: cheap, clichéd and, although action packed, void of any genuine excitement. The patchwork story moves at breakneck speeds for short attention spans. Re-generated cyborg hero Luc returns in the even-more-distant future as the head of a Unisol plantation monitored by a master computer. Acquiring human form, S.E.T.H. (White) is a superior intellect and mighty fighter with intentions on world domination. But not if the cartoon violence of Van Damme can stop him…

Van Damme delivers a spirited performance, slightly comedic and letting his feet do most of the hard work. The finale with S.E.T.H. isn’t too bad, but the run-ins with wrestler Goldberg are particularly silly. Despite his first on-screen grey hairs, there is a sense that after a decade of playing stoic heroes, Van Damme has started to accept and exploit his own misgivings. It is this alternative approach which contrasts so clearly with the persona he brought to the 1992 original. At times, this sequel is almost irreverent: in one scene, Luc says “nobody wants to be a stereotype”. Who would have picked Van Damme for such self-deprecating irony?

Universal Soldier

(1992, US, Carolco Pictures)

Dir. Roland Emmerich; Pro. Craig Baumgarten, Joel B. Michaels, Allen Shapiro; Scr. Richard Rothstein, Christopher Leitch, Dean Devlin; Action Dir. Vic Armstrong; Cast Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Ally Walker, Ed O’Ross, Jerry Orbach.

99 min.

In a desperate attempt to counter terrorism, a top secret wing of the US army have created the Unisol – a team of hi-tech command-driven killing machines made from resurrected bodies of ex-military men. With their strength enhanced and their memories wiped, carnage ensues when Vietnam vets Luc (Van Damme) and Andrew (Lundgren) piece together the fragments of their past. Andrew’s a psychopathic, ear-collecting trigger happy Sergeant determined to wipe out the traitors of war, while Luc’s the sensitive type, fleeing his regeneration compound in a quest to relocate his home. Accompanied by disillusioned journalist Veronica (Walker), the two escape across the Arizona desert pursued by Andrew and a whole host of death-defying Unisols.

Emmerich does well to maintain the pace and excitement in what is probably Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren’s finest hour. Thankfully their roles aren’t too demanding: Lundgren’s hulking, grotesque bad guy is a real treat, quite laughable but spirited nonetheless, while Van Damme’s hero comes complete with obligatory butt shots and high kicks.

Of the violent action, the barnyard brawl between our superstar combatants is a macho finale well worth the admission, and forms the icing on the cake of a truly reckless, if dim-witted, action movie.

The Bourne Legacy

(2012, US, Universal Pictures)

Dir. Tony Gilroy; Pro. Patrick Crowley, Frank Marshall, Ben Smith, Jeffrey M. Weiner; Scr. Tony Gilroy, Dan Gilroy; Action Dir. Jonathan Eusebio; Cast Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz, Edward Norton, Joan Allen, Albert Finney.

135 min.

A reboot of the Bourne franchise despite the telltale absence of the previous film’s main drivers, namely star Matt Damon and director Paul Greengrass, whose gritty, documentary-style worked as a game changer in terms of modern action movies, forcing even the Bond films to step up a gear.

Tony Gilroy – script writer on the previous three films – helms this scattergun effort with occasional aplomb, particularly during two masterfully tense shootout sequences, but the crow-barring of extraneous references to The Bourne Ultimatum is confusing and pointless, before resorting to a rather perfunctory cat and mouse thriller.

In fairness to Gilroy, this shares just as little with Robert Ludlum’s books as the Greengrass sequels, but it never achieves the same excitement.

In a story supposedly running concurrently with events outlined in Ultimatum, an exasperated Edward Norton heads a secretive governmental division employed to settle a mad scientific rehabilitation program pumping superhuman steroids into ex-military men, changing their genetic makeup in the process.

As the Feds close in, army lab rat Aaron Cross (Renner) escapes a drone attack while in reconnaissance in Alaska and hits the road on a covert quest for more drugs, taking chemical researcher Rachel Weisz along for the ride after a crazed gunman lifts the lid on the government’s top secret experiments.

As Cross runs out of meds, the duo board a flight to the Philippines where things get really silly, including a left-field plot contrivance involving a Thai hitman in a rather desperate set-up for the final showdown.

References to drone attacks, biochemistry and the power of America’s pharmaceutical companies suggest good fodder for topical examination, particularly judging by the sort of political intrigue we have come to expect from these films, but this is a far less nuanced and subtle sequel, and at its most basest elements it is much closer to something quite trashy like Universal Solider.

And Cross is a less endearing character than the vulnerable Jason Bourne, forced to desperately search his blank memory for clues to his own motives and loyalties.

Bourne also acquires his fighting skills organically, as opposed to Cross’ artificial super strength which arrives in pill form. This is not the fault of Renner, of course, who is great in the role, playing the terse, macho counterbalance to Damon’s baby face.

However, Gilroy’s new direction for the franchise may flirt with the Bourne themes but neglects the previous films’ pulse, imagination and heart.

Bloodsport

(1988, US, Cannon Group)

Dir. Newt Arnold; Pro. Mark DiSalle, Yoram Globus, Menahem Golan; Scr. Christopher Cosby, Mel Friedman, Sheldon Lettich; Action Dir. Frank Dux; Cast Jean-Claude Van Damme, Donald Gibb, Leah Ayres, Norman Burton, Forest Whitaker, Bolo Yeung, Roy Chiao Hung.

88 min.

Popular B movie which not only established Jean-Claude Van Damme as the hottest action property around, but also brought about the rebirth of the tournament movie (particularly in Hong Kong), an almost killed-off kung fu movie cliché. This is essentially Enter the Dragon only bloodier and sweatier. Van Damme plays real-life fighter Frank Dux, who escapes the army to represent his dying teacher in the brutal Kumite, a violent Chinese martial arts tournament held in secret and featuring some of the world’s most vicious fighters. Van Damme has never looked better with his flashy footwork more than compensating for some truly terrible acting, complimented by a great turn from Bolo Yeung as the Kumite’s leading antagonist. The film is more than equal to the sum of its parts and an absolutely shameful treat.